


Slip Knot

by AgentMint



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Banter, Crack Treated Seriously, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Male-Female Friendship, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Team Human
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:22:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26033377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentMint/pseuds/AgentMint
Summary: 5 times Beau and Caleb pretended to be married and 1 time they absolutely didn’t (thank the gods)[A mostly-crack fic with my favourite niche trope reversal: the extremely unromantic pretend relationship, starring the Empire Siblings dynamic duo]
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & Caleb Widogast
Comments: 21
Kudos: 169





	Slip Knot

**Author's Note:**

> Hahaha I can’t write plot. This is basically a series of incorrect-quotes-style ridiculous scenarios that I cobbled together. If you have the urge to go “but this wouldn't happen” – please consider: I think it would be funny if it _did_

**1.**  
  
“Your name, sir?” the old halfling clerk droned, without even glancing up from his notes. His remaining hair was a dull grey, and he weirdly had two pairs of spectacles hanging around his neck that Beau could swear were both identical to the ones that were perched on his nose at the moment.  
  
“My name is Caleb Widogast.”  
  
“Mhm, and you, miss?”  
  
“Beauregard-”  
  
“ _WIDOGAST’S NERD DUO, REPORT! ARE YOU INSIDE YET? CALEB IGNORED MY MESSAGE ARE YOU OK? YOU CAN REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE!_ ”  
  
“Widogast-?!!” Beau suddenly remembered where she was and snapped her mouth shut but it was too late. The clerk paused and lifted his head, furrowing his brows at her. “Uhh, yeah, Widogast, my name is Beauregard Widogast. We’re married!” She reached out to yank Caleb closer to her and plastered a giant smile on her face. “I’m still getting used to it. Got a bit excited, sorry.”  
  
The clerk finally showed some capacity for emotion and slowly grinned at both of them, beady eyes flickering between Caleb and Beau curiously through his round lenses. “Newlyweds, then? It isn’t often we at the Bibliotheca Paraktios find ourselves hosting a honeymoon getaway.”  
  
Beau turned to Caleb and hoped her eyes communicated her panic and desperation to him but not the clerk. _Help it’s again._ Caleb’s face was completely blank, which was better than clear disgust, at least. “Ja, we are,” Caleb deadpanned. “My new _wife_ and I are big readers and no trip to the Stolidian Shores would be complete without visiting the most famed Bibliotheca on this side of Exandria. What better way to spend our romantic holiday than by reading rare books together from your exquisite collection?”  
  
“Well, isn’t that the most refreshing thing!” The clerk exclaimed. “You young folk usually think you’re too important to read for pleasure, always rushing in and demanding things, citing urgent assignments or project timelines. They never take the time to appreciate the beauty contained among our shelves! I am so glad you two know how to read for the love of reading’s sake. Enjoy yourselves - but no silly business!" He winked, and waved them toward the library entrance with a smile.  
  
“Of course,” Beau scoffed, “we’re _totally_ not here for a project, just some casual reading that we love _so much_ …” She trailed off as Caleb dragged her through the wooden doors. As soon as they closed, he actively took a full step away from her and rubbed his temples in frustration.  
  
“What,” he forced out, “was that?!”  
  
“Fuck, man, I dunno, Veth messaged me and I got distracted, ok? Not my fault.” Caleb didn’t look convinced but she barrelled on. “I was just saying whatever and hey it worked out! Holy shit, I can’t believe that guy ate up that crap about a romantic reading holiday! Who the hell would go on one of those?”  
  
Caleb now looked less frustrated and more offended. “I think reading together with your partner could be romantic.”  
  
“Well yeah but you’re a _nerd_.”  
  
“You’re the one who suggested we come here in the first place, Beauregard.”  
  
“For important research! Not for a romantic- also, by the way, _ew_ , never ever call me your wife again.”  
  
“Do not worry, I most certainly have no plans to do so.”

* * *

**2.**  
  
“And Beauregard, you’ll come as my wife.”  
  
“As your _WHAT_? Absolutely not.” Caleb ducked away from Beau’s flailing arms.  
  
Veth narrowed her eyes. “Why not? Caleb’s a very handsome and smart man and you would be lucky to be with someone like him.”  
  
“If you think he’s so great, why don’t you pretend to be his wife?”  
  
“I’m already married!”  
  
“The key word is pretend!”  
  
“And you’re the one who’s good at pretending!”  
  
“Is that supposed to mean something?”  
  
“Veth, Beauregard, please.” Caleb sighed. “I don’t like this any more than you do, but the people hosting the gala are expecting a married human couple, and they’re checking for magical disguises at the entrance, so it has to be the two of us. It is important we take advantage of this means of entry while the others try to sneak in through the back. You know this is our best plan.”

“I know, I know,” grumbled Beau. “I just can’t believe we need to do this _again_.”  
  
“It does seem a bit amusing,” said Caleb wryly. “On the bright side, this time we actually have time to plan out our cover story?”  
  
“You need to work on your delivery, man. That wasn’t very believable. When has extensive planning ever worked out for us?”  
  
“Hey, we are _amazing_ planners,” interjected Veth. “Or plans are always executed _flawlessly_.”  
  
Beau raised an eyebrow. “…Sure.”  
  
“I do think this is an occasion in which we would benefit greatly from having a solid story,” said Caleb. The two women ignored him.  
  
Veth waved a hand dismissively. “You two won’t even need to do that much pretending. Once you get in, you’ll be trying to sneak off to explore the mansion anyway. What could go wrong? Oh, and another plus: Jester gets to dress you up in a pretty dress.”  
  
“How is that a plus???”  
  
“It’s a plus for the rest of us!” Veth crowed, grinning widely. It was bizarre how frightening that still was, even with Veth back to being a halfling.  
  
And that’s how, the next evening, Beau found herself laced up in a ballgown and awkwardly clutching Caleb’s elbow as they made their way through the crowd of partygoers.  
  
“I can’t believe we need to do this again.”  
  
“You’ve said that already, Beauregard.”  
  
“Whatever. It still sucks.” Beau frowned down at her bright green skirts. “And why does Jester only own dresses with like a million ruffles?”  
  
“Stop fidgeting. You’ll draw attention.”  
  
Beau looked at Caleb. It was weird to see him dressed up all spiffy and blending in well with all the other rich dudes at the party with his black tailored suit and green satin tie that matched her (Jester’s) dress. He looked kind of uncomfortable and stiff, but it came across as snooty rather than socially awkward. She supposed he looked pretty good, but her whole being recoiled at that line of thought, which was the entire problem. “Where’s the bar? I’m too sober to pretend to be straight.”  
  
“I should remind you that being impaired while on a mission is highly discouraged.”  
  
“Fuck you, you’re the worst husband ever.”

* * *

**3.**  
  
“FUCK you, Caleb, you’re the WORST husband EVER!” Beau stormed her way across the tavern to where Caleb was reading quietly alone in the corner.  
  
Caleb blinked up at her. “Beauregard? What are you-”  
  
“I can’t believe that you cancelled our trip without asking me first!”  
  
Caleb blinked again.  
  
Beauregard leaned in close and hissed, “Play along! Veth and Jester need a distraction.”  
  
“And you chose this?”  
  
“You never trust my choices, Caleb! You always think you know so much better!” said Beau, her voice rising again.  
  
Caleb resigned himself to his fate and began, “ _Darling_ , please lower your voice. We’re attracting attention.”  
  
Beau took a second to dart her eyes around the room, and saw that the other people in the tavern were indeed starting to look over. Good. “Oh really? Lower my voice? Am I not acting like the quiet docile wife you wanted after all? You want to control everything in your life, including me!”  
  
Caleb stood up and reached out for her. “I just wanted to protect-”  
  
“Protect me? I could knock you out in two punches and you know it! Are you out of your mind?”  
  
“This has nothing to do with your physical abilities. I still do not want to see you hurt.”  
  
“What happened to your promises, huh? What happened to ‘me and you against the world’? ‘Stronger together’? Remember that?”  
  
“Sir? Ma’am? Please calm down, or I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” Beau and Caleb turned as one to see the half-elf barkeep flinch backwards.  
  
“Calm down?! I am not going to _calm down_! You and my husband and all the other men who think they can control me can all shove your lowered voices up your ass!”  
  
Caleb slammed his book shut and into his coat. “Beauregard, stop acting like a child! This is exactly why you can’t be trusted to be responsible for yourself! We cannot afford to act like the foolishly proud youths we once were.”  
  
“Do you even hear yourself? You sound exactly like your father!” Beau immediately winced as Caleb’s eyes widened.  
  
“Well maybe,” said Caleb, clenching his fists, “my father was right all along.” Flame curled around his fingers and started to crawl up his arms. Gasps and curses rang out across the room.

“Sir, ma’am, please,” the barkeep begged, “I don’t want to have to call the Crownsguard.”  
  
Beau and Caleb glared at each other, breathing heavily, in the tense silence. After a few breaths, Caleb shook his head subtly and put out the flames. “No need. This is over,” announced Caleb. He pointed outside the tavern, and Beau saw copper wire wrapped around his finger. Right, ok. “We’re leaving.”  
  
As soon as they were out the door and around the corner, Beau loosened her shoulders and turned sheepishly to Caleb. “Hey man, you ok?” He looked relaxed – or at least as relaxed as Caleb normally is, but it was hard to tell with Caleb sometimes.  
  
Caleb looked at Beau and frowned in confusion. “Yes of course, that was a necessary performance, ja? I only ended it because Veth Messaged me.”  
  
“I guessed. I just wanted to make sure you know none of that shit was real. I know we’ve clashed before but I don’t actually think that, you know…”  
  
Caleb nodded. “I understand. And same to you as well. I think we can both agree we edged fairly close to some sore spots, but we can also agree to not take it personally.”  
  
“We are pretty good at arguing, aren’t we? We make a convincing loveless marriage.” Beau grinned. “Should we come up with a name for this con?”  
  
Caleb’s frown deepened. “Do you expect us to continue performing this deception?”  
  
“Did you expect us to ever do this again after the first time?”  
  
A beat. “Touché.”  
  
“Hear me out: Diamond Duo…because diamond rings and shit.”  
  
“That’s horrible.”  
  
“What about…Uncivil Partnership…”  
  
“That’s too obvious. You need to learn subtlety, Beauregard, in more ways than one.”  
  
“Shut up.” Beau paused and began to look around for Veth and Jester. It just occurred to her that making a big scene in the tavern now meant she couldn’t go back in, and she slumped against the wall, arms crossed. Then, she perked back up. “Hey, what about Slip Knot? Like ‘tying the knot’ but it’s not a real connection, y’know?”  
  
“…That’s…not the worst.”  
  
Beau pumped the air with her fist. “Yes! I finally get to use a code word! Take that, Veth! You know, I can definitely get behind this fake married thing now that it means shouting at you, Widogast.”  
  
“Is that so, Ms. Lionett?” The corner of Caleb’s mouth slowly curved up. “Or should I say Ms. Widogast?”  
  
Beau demonstrated her best loudest fake retching noises.

* * *

**4.**  
  
Beau lurched up and instantly vomited into the bucket Caleb held ready for her. She groaned. She took the glass of water he handed her next and rinsed out her mouth, but it still tasted like death. She groaned again and lay back down on the cot. The window had curtains, but enough sunlight made it past the thin fabric and onto her face, which was not helping her pounding headache at all. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to think. She didn’t recognize the room, and she couldn’t remember how she got here. In fact, she couldn’t remember anything that happened after they went down into those mines…and it was midday when they did that…  
  
“Caleb, what happened?” Beau croaked.  
  
Caleb sighed loudly, causing Beau to crack her eyes open again and glare at him. He was avoiding looking directly at her. “You got hit with a magical beam from a creature in the mines that scrambled your mind and the clerics’ spells couldn’t dispel the effect. We brought you here to the nearest hospital and they said they’ve treated other patients from the same effect before. There is no cure except to wait for around a day and it will pass on its own.”  
  
“How m-”  
  
“It has been 19 hours and 47 minutes, and this is the eighth time you have woken up and asked someone this. There seems to be some temporary amnesia as part of the symptoms.”  
  
“Wh-”  
  
“The rest of the group is either back at the inn getting some rest or out running errands. The staff here only allow one of us to be here with you at a time, so we’ve been taking shifts.”  
  
Beau took that in. Caleb had answered all the questions she was going to ask, and he didn’t seem like he was lying. He seemed a bit sketchy, but Caleb always seemed a bit sketchy. She gave herself a mental high five and laughed. Ow. It hurt to have thoughts. “Well that sucks. Do you think I could get something to drink or eat so that my mouth doesn’t taste like absolute horseshit?”  
  
Caleb turned to face her, surprised. “You are more alert than you were the previous times.”  
  
Beau didn’t _feel_ very alert, but she wasn’t going to _say_ that. “Yeah? What, did I just mumble incoherently before?”  
  
Caleb’s face turned red and he looked away again. “Uh, no, I mean, I don’t know, but, um.”  
  
Beau pushed herself back up into a sitting position and looked at him closer. He was definitely leaving something out. “Caleb, come on man-”  
  
Just then, a woman dressed in a nurse’s uniform popped her head into the room. “Is she awake again? Wonderful, I thought I heard voices!” She bounced over and handed Caleb a bowl containing a wet washcloth. “Here you go. Hi Beau, my name is Lilia. You’ve been doing very well, and you’ll be feeling much better soon. Is there anything I could help you with?”  
  
The nurse had her blond hair tied up with fluttering white ribbons, and her smile was equally as white and rather dazzling. Beau felt rather dazzled. “Uh yeah, could I get some tea or something? Maybe soup? My stomach isn’t feeling great, but I _am_ hungry…”  
  
“Sure thing! It’s worth a try. I’ll go and find you something. If you want to go back to sleep, go ahead, I’ll leave it with your darling husband here.”  
  
It was a testament to Beau’s hazy state of mind that she didn’t immediately register what the nurse had just said. “…My what?”  
  
“Now dear,” the nurse tutted, “I don’t mean to get involved in a marital disagreement, but whatever issue you have with your husband, I am sure you two can work it out. He’s been nothing but the perfect loving husband since he and your friends brought you here, and it looks like he really cares for you deeply.”  
  
Beau looked at Caleb, whose cheeks were red and who was still pointedly looking away from her. “I…what…Caleb…? I don’t have an issue with Caleb,” Beau stammered.  
  
“Oh, well that’s very nice to hear! I’ll leave you two to talk it out then.” The nurse winked at the two of them and dazzlingly fluttered her way out of the room.  
  
There was an awkward pause. “…Caleb, what the fuck?”  
  
“Uh, yes, so, as I was saying… You might have…accidentally implied to the hospital staff…that I am your husband.”  
  
Beau’s brain currently felt like a nest of hornets and she was so damn tired. “How in the nine hells did I do that?!!”  
  
“When we arrived, the hospital asked if you had any immediate family, like a spouse, and you said, uh, and I quote, ‘nah, unless you count that hobo wizard over there who I yell at sometimes because he’s the worst husband’. And then before I could say anything, Jester was weaving some tragic tale about us being a married couple who was always at odds with each other, but were secretly still very in love. She was clearly joking, but uh, the staff did not think so, so here we are.” At least he was looking at her properly now, looking embarrassed and slightly – dare she say – constipated. She couldn’t even laugh at Caleb’s horrendous attempt at her accent.  
  
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”  
  
“Would I kid you, Beauregard?”  
  
“It was a rhetorical question!” Beau sighed. Caleb awkwardly passed over the bowl with the washcloth for Beau to wipe her own face. She sighed again. “Next time, we’re doing this properly. Code word and everything. I was really looking forward to using the code word.”  
  
“Noted.”

* * *

**5.**  
  
“I can’t believe you used the code word and I didn’t get to, again!” Beau grumbled.  
  
“That’s all you can think about? You’re going to make this about you?” Caleb snapped.  
  
“Now that’s rich! Talk about the pot and the kettle!”  
  
“I’m not having this argument with you!” Caleb did a stupid swishy thing with his jacket and dramatically spun around to walk away.  
  
“Wooow, Caleb, wooooooow! So that’s what you’re going to do? Run away? Like you always do?” Beau shouted after him, attracting a lot more attention from the people around them at the busy intersection. Caleb raised a middle finger at her without looking back, and she ran after him, cutting off his path in the middle of the street. “Ooh, ignoring me? What a totally original tactic from my _brilliant, intelligent husband_ ,” she said, imbuing those last three words with as much sarcasm as she could muster, which was a fair amount.  
  
“I am simply being practical. We have no time for petty arguments.”  
  
“No time for petty arguments, he says,” Beau announced mockingly to the intersection at large, doing her own dramatic swishy jacket thing, arms held wide. “No time for his poor petty selfish wife, he says!” She slammed her staff down to block a man with a cart of vegetables trying to make his way past. “You, sir, do you think wanting to enjoy the rewards of my own invention is _petty_? Do you think I should step passively to the side as my husband takes all the credit for my accomplishments?”  
  
The vegetable seller gaped at Beau and hurriedly shook his head. Beau whipped around and stuck the end of the staff in the face of a carriage driver, causing him to jerk it to a stop. “How about you? Do you have a wife?” The driver failed to do anything in response except splutter incoherently, staring cross-eyed at the bow on the bo staff six inches from his nose. By now, enough passers-by had paused to watch, causing traffic in the intersection to come to a standstill. “Do you walk away whenever your wife tries to have a serious conversation with you?”  
  
Caleb stepped forward with his hands raised, facing Beau (and if he stepped into the path of the carriage, blocking it further, surely he was just too distracted by his wife’s antics). “Beauregard, that’s enough. If you want a serious conversation, we can have it, but not in the middle of the street.” He nodded at her. She nodded back.  
  
Beau gave an exaggerated sigh and relaxed her stance. The carriage driver also sighed, in relief, as the immediate threat of getting poked with a giant stick by an angry monk decreased. “Let’s go,” said Beau, and she began weaving her way through the crowd, with Caleb following a step behind her. The spectators began to disperse once they realized the show was over, and traffic in the intersection quickly resumed as if nothing had happened. No one noticed a certain missing package from the carriage, nor the tiny dick painted on its back.  
  
Once back at the tavern, Caleb bought himself and Beau a round of drinks to celebrate a job well done.  
  
“We’re _really_ getting good at this, aren’t we?” Beau took a swig of her ale.  
  
“The fake married thing? Or the arguing thing?”  
  
“Both?”  
  
“Is that supposed to be a compliment?”  
  
Months ago, Beau would have just laughed, but now she was a bit more open and a bit more drunk, and overall feeling a bit more sappy. “Yeah man, it is, because I think you’re really cool and a good friend, and we make a really good team.” She snapped her fingers in front of Caleb’s face. It was doing that clenched confused cat thing he does when people show him affection. “You listening? I like you, dude, and I trust you enough so that we can have a fake argument in the middle of the street and be cool with it after. And that’s dope.”  
  
Caleb nodded slowly. “That’s dope,” he drawled.  
  
“Fuck! You made it weird again! Shit!” Beau smacked her forehead. “And I am actually upset I didn’t get to use the code word earlier! I take that all back! I hate you!”  
  
Caleb shuffled closer awkwardly and tentatively wrapped his arms around her. “Thank you, Beauregard… I…love you too.” Beau opened her mouth, then closed it, setting her ale down and returning the hug.  
  
Somehow, after everything, she finally felt like she could accept that. She could finally allow herself to hold tight to her chosen family and not let go. She could trust that they, in turn, would not let her go.  
  
Except-  
  
“Beauregard, you are hurting my ribs,” Caleb gasped, “please, could you-”  
  
“Oh fuck!”

* * *

**+1.**  
  
“Fuck, I can’t seem to get- this stupid- ugh!” Beau yanked the tie off and threw it onto the bed in frustration. Her palms were sweaty and she couldn’t even wipe them on her suit, for fear of messing up the silk.  
  
“Beauregard… here, let me.” Caleb walked over, picked up the tie, and turned Beau to face him. “What sort of knot did you want?”  
  
“I didn’t really- I mean, anything cool, I dunno,” Beau grumbled, but then she caught his eye and snorted. “Anything but a slip knot!”  
  
Caleb chuckled as he looped the tie around her neck. “Are you glad to finally be done with that con?”  
  
“Hey, you’re not getting rid of me that easily, Widogast. We might still need it.” Beau quirked an eyebrow at him, trying to remain as still as possible. “We can tell people you’re my sidepiece.”  
  
Caleb froze. “I am not responding to that.”  
  
“Oh yeah? How does it feel to be Best Man for your fake wife’s wedding?” She smirked.  
  
“Very good,” said Caleb, earnestly. His lips lifted up into a soft smile “I am truly honoured that you asked me. It has been a privilege getting to know you and working beside you all this time. I have come to trust and respect you completely, even when we are arguing, whether it is for show or for real. Getting married is a momentous occasion and I am delighted to be by your side for it. Congratulations again, I am very happy for you.”  
  
Beau felt herself tearing up and tried to suppress the tears through sheer force of will. “You aren’t supposed to be all sappy and shit and make me cry before the ceremony, you bastard! Fuck! You’ll ruin my eyeliner! I actually worked hard on it for once!”  
  
Caleb gave the knot a final adjustment and then stepped back to survey her. “Your makeup looks good; you look good overall, trust me. She’s not going to be able to take her eyes off you. And I mean it, Beauregard, I’m very proud of you. You deserve to be happy. You deserve this.”  
  
“…Thank you, Caleb. And you too, you know. You should take your own advice.”  
  
“I know. I am not quite there yet but I am trying.”  
  
“I’m glad.”  
  
“We have both come so far from fighting over a bowl, ja?”  
  
“Wait, damn, we should have made one of our fake fights about a bowl. That would have been funny.”  
  
“We were definitely running out of good ideas by the end.”  
  
“I’m still pissed at you for the time you cockblocked me.”  
  
“You were drunk and you didn’t actually want to sleep with her, Beauregard.”  
  
“I know, but still, she was hot.”  
  
“Your fiancée probably doesn’t want you to be thinking about a random hot woman from a tavern in Port Damali on the day of your wedding.”  
  
“My fiancée also thought she was hot, if you remember correctly.”  
  
“I always remember correctly.”  
  
Beau groaned. “You’re the worst.”  
  
“And yet you picked me to be your Best Man.”  
  
“Well technically I picked you because you’re the only one who could handle the wedding planning.”  
  
“Ah well, good to know my professional skills fit the position.”  
  
“But hey that’s all done now, I don’t need you anymore. I should go switch you out for Fjord. The only thing left is the speech, and Fjord could definitely wing an awesome speech.”  
  
Caleb shook his head fondly. “Beauregard, stop stalling. You are expected at the altar in four minutes. Take some deep breaths. Everything will go smoothly.”  
  
“Damn, four minutes, huh? Guess I’m stuck with you then.” Beau gave herself a final onceover in the mirror, catching Caleb’s eye in the reflection. She smiled at him and he smiled back, in a way that had somehow come to feel utterly natural. Despite all odds, here they were, two once-broken Empire kids, put back together with happiness and love.  
  
“Guess you are. Now go get her.”

**Author's Note:**

> Caleb, internally: “Bold words to say to someone essentially tying a rope around your neck.”  
>   
> Yes, I was vague, don’t @ me  
> (but feel free to @ me about anything else)


End file.
